my thoughts on messy things.

Screen Shot 2014-01-24 at 12.40.10 PMIn the last few years, I’ve learned that people will always let me down, always. Real Relationships are hard, messy and at some point the other person will hurt me.

I used to think “if they hurt me, their loss” and move on.

But, the reality of that–it gets pretty lonely. Again, EVERYONE you are in REAL relationships with will hurt you at some point.
and the truth is, at some point, I too will hurt them.

So what’s my other option? Forgive so that I may also receive forgiveness. It’s really that easy, and that hard.

Gal 6:1 says, “Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.” (MSG)

I’ve expected perfection from others while being substantially less than perfect.

I’m thankful for grace. I’m thankful that others showed me grace when I had none. I’m learning that offering grace isn’t just about forgiving so that I can have forgiveness–but that Christ can use my forgiving spirit to heal my own heart and to keep it soft-and alive.

I’ve chosen the lonely isolated road. And it hurt, and there was no repair.
Now, I’m choosing the vulnerable real messy road. And it hurts (and it’s sometimes awkward), but there is healing beyond what I’ve ever imagined. I’m watching other people grow, develop and change because I am staying for the messy when common sense says “leave”.

There is a gentle breeze of magical Christ movement in my midst-and I’m sad I missed out on it for so long.


The Lonely Heart

IMG_5388Life, sometimes, is a consuming fire. Torn between the constant decisions, deadlines, toddlers needing to go “big gerl potty”, misbehavior addressed, the timer beeping, prioritizing relationships (unfortunately), and it just keeps going. Too many decisions, too many people needing me.

I’m feeling slightly overwhelmed, overworked, and despite being surrounded by people; frankly, I feel alone. Not because I am alone, or because people haven’t been there. But, mostly because even when I’m with people my brain is working at the next to-do list or daunting task that needs completion. I haven’t been able to turn it off.

Feeling alone is never a good thing.

It’s where icky thoughts and doubt creep in. It’s where sin gains momentum.

In the quiet places of my soul this morning, despite the children running around me and lonely aches, I heard a still small voice saying to me, “Loneliness is caused by lack of focus”

And I was reminded of a Father’s prayer for his son:

“And give my son Solomon an uncluttered and focused heart so that he can obey what you command, live by your directions and counsel, and carry through with building The Temple for which I have provided.” 1 Chronicles 29:14-19 (MSG)

And it became my prayer,

Dear Jesus,


Give me an uncluttered and focused heart that I may obey your commands, live by your directions and counsel and to carry on and worship you with the whole me, not a distracted lonely me. Amen.

And, I’m praying it for you today, that you to would find focus, to focus on the one important thing, that your loneliness would be soothed by the balm of the Most High. That you, like me, despite the noise in your life would as Jesus says, ““Here’s what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won’t be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift fromyou to God, and you will begin to sense his grace.” Matt 6:6 (MSG)